in the beginning...

i thought i should journal my visits at the hospice to immortalize the experiences.....


i started volunteering at the hospice on february 14, 2009....yes, valentines day.... that's when they started the volunteer training.......

i had to wait very long before i finally got my assignment....... there's the drug test, a tuberculosis test (which is really a pain in the butt), a background check and a LOT of paperwork......... so i usually would just attend meetings and discussions..... when i finally got my assignment it was worth the wait......

i have 3 patients.... let's call them I, A and P.


I:

it was my first visit with I...... she's not in her room so i have to ask the nurse where she is and the nurse pointed me to the cute old lady in green shirt sitting on a wheel chair in the dining room..... ah, finally, someone who's not sleeping (the first 2 patients i visited before her were all sleeping)..... i can hear her talking from where i was standing--- good, i told myself, that's a good sign...

so i walked slowly to where she is and when i was close enough i introduced myself ("hi I, my name is M, i'm your new friend")........ she suddenly stopped talking and i saw her head slowly drop........... oh boy, i think she doesn't like me......... i knelt on the floor at her left side so we could be at eye level, also so that she can hear me clearly........ i looked at her face and wasn't sure if she's sleeping or her eyes were just closed but i took my chances and asked her: "do you want to make a trip? (i got a tip that she likes being wheeled around on her wheel chair)..... she didn't reply and i wasn't sure if it's just my imagination but i think i saw her dropped her head another inch lower......

hmmm, what to do?

i decided to move at her right side and decided that i'll sit on the floor right next to her........... so i just sat there watching her face, observing her facial expressions............. after a few minutes i was convinced that she's already sleeping....... the other two old ladies sharing the same table with I in the dining room were also sleeping.............. so i just sat there and waited........

waited.... waited.... waited....

i wanted so much to touch her hand that time but i was too scared........... she dropped her head when she heard my voice, what will she do if i started touching her hand? i waited for a bit..... trying to muster enough courage......... then finally i gave in........ i mean, what's the worst that can happen right? atleast i should try so i would know what my next move should be...... so i slowly lifted my hand and very slowly i inched towards where her hand is resting (on her lap)........ boy, her hand's cold...... then she opened her eyes and even before i start to panic she started telling stories as if she'd known me for a long time--- whew!

i liked her right away........ she's a talker and with a very animated facial expressions......... i started stroking her hands while she tells me her stores and then she said: "that's really nice", gawd, im sure glad to hear that! then she talked some more........and some more........and some more............ then she started pushing her wheelchair (using her feet) so i asked her if she wants to make a trip............ she didn't reply but she kept pushing her wheelchair so i took that as my cue........

i pushed her wheelchair up and down the third floor only stopping when we see a window........... when we stop on windows i would ask her to tell me what she saw.........so she told me she's seeing trees and houses and that the place really looks familiar, that it looks like she's been there before, she reminds me of "the notebook"......... and she started telling me stories again..............all i heard are unfinished stories so i really didnt understand any of it but i like watching how her face looks when she tells her stories........ even if i sometimes don't understand a word she's saying her facial expression would tell me if it's a happy or a sad story........


i'm always fascinated by a person's eye color......... and i was looking at her eye very intently figuring out what color it is...... i think it's green with a speck of something else....... the few specks looks like a few glitters sprinkled on her eyes.......... so i told her she has pretty eyes and she said "really!?" oh, how her face lit up! i said: "yes, my eye color looks really boring"

then she told me that she's still pretty and i said "yes, that's very true" and she said "really?!" again.......... its really funny how she says that, she looked like a lil school girl....... while we talk infront of the window i would sit, well, more like squatting, next to her and i would stroke his hand and she really liked that because she just kept saying: "that really feels nice"..........oh, another thing that i really find cute, she also keeps telling me that i should sit on her lap, lol.................. i think she offered me that for like three times, lol and as tempting as that may sound, ofcourse i wouldn't so, i ended up stroking her knees/lap instead............

when it's time to leave i wheeled her back to the dining room and then i told her that i have to go but that i'll be back and you know what she said "you better be!"....... ah, that's priceless!


A

i went to her room after i tried going to P's (P's sleeping when i went to her room) but had to leave because the nurse is changing her clothes........... when i got back after visiting I she looked like she's sleeping but I took my chances and i tried introducing myself, that's when she opened her eyes................ she's so frail................... from the record given to me, it says there she's deaf and blind.................

anyway,

so she opened her eyes........... there are foams around her bed, i guess that's because she kept falling......... i knelt down on one of the foams beside her bed and i started stroking her hand........... i don't know what else to do........... i just kept looking at her face.......... lots of thoughts just came flooding on my head....thoughts like how she would see God face to face soon........... that maybe I should tell her to say hi to God for me......... i was thinking how it would feel like if i know I would see God soon.......... i was thinking if she would remember my touch or my voice when it's time for me to see God face to face and would she greet me "there" and a lot other things............ lol, i know, i know, i'm being my melodramatic self again............... no, i didnt tell her any of these....... these were just thoughts on my head while i was watching her face.......

anyway.....

she really looked weak and frail that i move really slow because i was afraid that I might break her if i add even a tiny bit of pressure.................. then i tried to tuck the lose strands of her hair to her ear but her hair is short so i have to do it like 3 times.............. then i noticed how her eyes would start closing slowly whenever i do that so i figured maybe she liked that so i started stroking her hair using my two fingers............. i just ran my two fingers thru her hair from her temple down to the back of her ear and down the tip of her ear............. i just used two of my fingers because like i said, she looked so fragile that it felt like i will break her if i use more than two fingers.......... so anyway, i just kept doing that.......... then i stopped because i have to scratch my nose (the tip of my nose, not inside, fyi) then she suddenly opened her eyes.......... then i started stroking her hair again and slowly she started closing her eyes again............ so i did that until it's time to go..........

when it's time to go i told her that i'll be back........... i'm actually sad to go............ it just feels like i have to be there to protect her............ she just look really weak.... yeah i know, i've said that for like a million times already, but it's true............




P:

i was planning to visit P first but when i saw her sleeping (and she was snoring too) i ended up visiting I first.............. when i'm done visiting I and A i went to her room and she's still sleeping................. but i wasnt sure if she's really sleeping or she just has her eyes closed so I took my chances again, walk beside her bed and introduced myself........ she didn't budge........... yep, sleeping.......

so i just knelt right next to her bed.............. and just watched her face............ i was wondering how old she is because i don't see much wrinkles................. and i was looking at how her legs (her knee down to her toes are exposed) still looks smooth............. well i guess the legs are the last thing to get old............ then i was wondering if she liked it that way, i mean that her legs are exposed or if i should cover it up...............then i saw her purple nail polish............. hmm, maybe i should bring a nail polish next time?

mostly that's what i did, i just watched her sleep............. then she woke up! (maybe she had sensed that someone's there) and the first thing she did is to drink the glycema something that's on her bed (i forgot what the label says)................. i watched her drink and then i introduced myself to her again................ she's not responding which is fine because i was told that she really doesn't respond that much................. i started stroking her hand but she made ball of fist so i stopped................ after a few minutes i tried again, she made a ball of fist again so i stopped again................. i'm not a quitter so i tried again, still, another fist............. that's fine, i'm a stranger........... hopefully on my next visits she would allow me to touch her hand..................

it was kinda awkward because i don't know what else to do........... i was racking my brains what to tell her but nothing so i just stayed there and watched her................ there are times that i would get scared when all i could see are whites of her eyes because she would roll her eyes all the way up but then i would remember how my brother sleeps that way too although i wasn't really sure if she's trying to sleep or if i should call the nurse and then i heard her snore............... i waited a few more minutes then i left........... i would see her again next saturday..........




i'll visit P and I again next week...... i have to visit P 4x a month.... 3x a month for I and 2x a month for A.....